


Truth or Dare (or drink)

by not_dead_spoilers



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: And otherwise being a meatball, Angst, Background Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes is bad at emotions, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sappy Ending, Steve is pining over Tony, sam is helping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 09:08:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8483596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/not_dead_spoilers/pseuds/not_dead_spoilers
Summary: Sam proposes a game of truth, dare, or drink as an effort to help Bucky feel more normal.  Bucky thinks Sam hates him and is only interested in working with him because Steve asked him to.  Spoiler alert: Bucky is wrong.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I literally saw a prompt for truth or dare or drink like 8 months ago, and I've had this thing on my mind since then. It's also my very first fanfic ever. So pls be gentle. TBQH, I mostly wanted to finish it and post it because I want to write another story for a different fandom but I had to finish and post this one first. I hope you guys like it!
> 
> P.S. I took like 2 psychology classes when I was getting my undergrad, so this is not real psychology. Any psychologists in the fandom should probably avoid because it's likely going to piss you off. Sorry.

“Why would I want to play truth or dare? Truth or dare is a game for kids. I’m in my nineties, Sam. I’m definitely not a kid.”

“Yes, but it might be good for you. It can be a way to talk about things you don’t want to talk about without the pressure.” 

Bucky sighed. He got that Sam was trying to help, he really did, but. But. Talking about himself was hard. There were so many things in his past that he didn’t want anyone to know about, and he’d recently come to the realization that Sam was the last person he wanted to know about those things. He’d killed so many people, and Sam already disliked him enough. Bucky really didn’t want to add to the list of reasons that Sam could and should hate him. 

But apparently a game of truth or dare was supposed to make him feel better. Bucky supposed that if he had to in order for Sam to be happy, he should just do it. 

“Alright. So how does this work? Who goes first?” Treat it like a mission. Make Sam happy. That’s all you have to do. 

“Okay. Yeah, we aren’t doing this if it causes you have that look on your face.” 

“What look? There’s no look. I want to play. Ask me truth or dare.” Bucky attempted a smile, but Sam looked very unimpressed.

“I’ll repeat myself. We aren’t doing anything that makes you look like you are facing an execution.” Sam looked contemplative. “What if we had a little drinking contest?”

“A . . . drinking contest. With truth or dare.”

“Why not? It’s called truth, dare, or drink. You wanted to be more adult. That might make it a little more fun and relaxing for you.”

“Should you really be encouraging your patients to drink?” Bucky commented absent-mindedly. 

He hadn’t really had much to drink in a long time. He hadn’t been allowed to drink as the Winter Soldier, and he hadn’t wanted to drink while he was on the run. But he remembered drinking after Zola’s experiments and before he became the Winter Soldier. He didn’t have as much alcohol tolerance as Steve did. Not by a long shot, but his had improved drastically, and Sam’s had to be worse than his, right? He could avoid questions or dares by taking a shot far more often than Sam could. He wouldn’t get drunk and confess something he didn’t want to, but Sam might. 

But what might Sam confess? Would he finally tell Bucky that the only reason he was helping him at all was Steve? And that really he had a million other things he would rather do than spend time with Bucky, but hey, “Sam you’re a trauma counselor, couldn’t you talk to him a bit” and puppy eyes later and here they were. That would hurt like a bitch. Probably better to get that out of the way. And maybe he would just get cute stories about Sam. 

Actually that was probably a bad idea as well. He didn’t really need to fuel this hopeless crush any more than he already was. 

But Sam was watching him with big, dark, calm eyes, and Bucky had yet to figure out how to say no to anything Sam asked him to do when he was being so patient and kind. And adding drinking did make it sound a lot less like a therapy session with someone who only cared about his mental state and a lot more like hanging out with a friend. Which they weren’t. God, he had to stop thinking like that. He’s just doing this for Steve, Barnes. 

“Okay. Okay, let’s play truth, dare, or drink. How about you go first.” 

Sam walked behind the couch and grabbed a bottle of Vodka and two shot glasses from his cabinet, sat them both on the coffee table and poured both of them a shot. 

“I only have cheap vodka in the house. I assume you’re okay with that, being Russian and all.” Sam grinned slyly as he asked. 

“For the last goddamn time. I’m not Russian. I’m from Brooklyn, asshole.”

“Right, right, of course.” Sam was still smirking. The bastard. “So. I’m going first. Truth or dare?”

“Truth. Obviously.” The whole point of this thing was for Sam to get whatever information he wanted out of Bucky’s head. He should make that as easy as possible. Bucky braced himself for a terrible question. How many people he killed. How many times he’d been frozen. How they had tortured him to get those damn words in his head. How he’d been punished when he’d resisted.

“What’s your most embarrassing moment?”

“My . . . most embarrassing moment?” That was a totally innocent question. “From when I was the Winter Soldier? Because embarrassment wasn’t really an emotion I felt a lot during that time.”

“From whenever, man. Your most embarrassing moment. I’m starting with the classics. The only reason I didn’t ask who you’d most like to kiss in this room is because I’m the only other person in it.”

Bucky is suddenly intensely grateful that they are alone. 

“Um. I mean.” He tries to think back to before he was the Winter Soldier. He’d done some embarrassing shit then. He can’t imagine why Sam wants to know about this. 

“So. So one time, I was at this bar, near the art school Steve was going to, right? He was supposed to meet me there. And there was this dame, er, woman there named Beth. And she was really sweet and we started talking about different things, and I thought I was doing really well with her. I thought maybe she was going to let me take her out or something. So after we’ve been talking for about half an hour, her friend, Mary comes in and Beth introduces us. Mary was this tiny thing. Probably not even five foot and I thought it was perfect because she might be good for Steve, right. I always tried to make sure Steve had a girl if I was going to go out. So I keep talking about my friend that I’m waiting for and how great he is. And they seem really into it, so I asked them if they wanted to go to dinner with me and Steve the next night, and they said yes.”

“This story doesn’t sound very embarrassing. I think you just want to show off how good you were at picking up the ladies.” Sam interjects, but his eyes are sparkling so Bucky thinks he’s enjoying the story. Bucky has to admit he’s kind of enjoying telling it. The punchline to this story is great now. That dinner had been one of the most excruciating meals of his life though. Bucky thinks Sam is going to like how the story turns out. 

“Well, if you’d let me talk, I’d tell you that it was going great until Steve got there. And Steve walks over, right, and immediately he says, ‘Hey, Mary, when did you meet Buck?’ And I’m thinking, this is perfect, they already know each other, they seem to be friendly. Maybe this girl’s a keeper. And Mary says, ‘Yeah, he was talking to Beth when I got here. This is your Buck, Steve? You always described him as a scoundrel but he’s a sweetheart’ And Steve rolls his eyes but then says, ‘Wait, this is Beth! Wow! It’s great to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.” I’m more convinced than ever that this is perfect because Steve had clearly spent some time with this girl to know about her friends. So I turn to Steve and say, ‘Beth and Mary are gonna let us take them to dinner tomorrow night, Steve.’ And Steve’s face . . “ 

Bucky is already grinning just remembering the look on Steve’s face when he’d said that. He’s not going to be able to get through this story. 

“What was Steve’s face like?” Sam’s grinning too, clearly anticipating a great ending to this story. Bucky doesn’t think he will disappoint. 

“His face was doing that thing it does when he’s trying so hard not to laugh because it would be rude but he can’t seem to stop himself. And he says, ‘Like a double date, yeah.’ And Beth and Mary are smiling and nodding but I know something is wrong because Steve looks like he’s going to hurt himself he’s not laughing so hard. So Steve says, ‘Okay Mary, I’ve actually got some sketches I need to do at home for school, but I know where you live already, so we’ll be by to pick you up around 8:00 tomorrow, yeah?’ And they agree and Steve barely even lets me say goodbye before he’s dragging me out of there. He turns to me as we’re walking out the door with this shit-eating grin on his face and asks me which girl I’m interested in taking, so I tell him Beth, since he seems to know Mary so well. And he makes it about ten steps outside of the building before he drags me down an alley and starts laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to have an asthma attack. So I’m still trying to figure out what he thinks is so funny, when he says ‘Beth and Mary have been together for four and a half years now, and now they think we’re together, and Mary is never going to believe me when I tell her that we aren’t.’ Apparently, Mary had spent the entirety of their friendship teasing Steve about our relationship and trying to get him to say that we were together and he’d denied it the whole time, but now, since I’d gone into a bar right outside of an art school and talked on and on about how handsome and sweet my ‘friend’ Steve was, they just assumed that I knew they were together and that I was with Steve too.”

By this point, both Bucky and Sam are laughing so hard that Bucky had had to stop several times in order to calm down. 

Sam wiped his eyes. “So, on a scale from one to ten, how excruciating was the dinner?”

“Ten. Higher, maybe. It was so awful. Steve would probably still say it was the best ‘date’ I’d ever dragged him on, but I hated it. It was so awkward. Steve left to join the army about six months later, and I’m pretty sure Mary still thought we were together.” 

“That’s a great story, man. That may be one of the best most embarrassing stories I’ve ever heard. I didn’t realize people were so open about that stuff back then.”

“They weren’t. Clearly. Steve told me later that everyone in that bar was, um, gay? Is that the word for it now?”

“That’s the word for it. Okay, I think it’s your turn now. I want a truth, before you ask.”

Shit. Where to start? There are a number of things he wants to know about Sam, but he isn’t sure which ones to ask. Bucky kept it light though. So he should probably do the same. 

“Who was the first person you had a crush on? Real or fictional.” That’s an innocent enough question, and Bucky is morbidly curious about what type of ideal woman Sam was after as a young person. To his shock, Sam drops his eyes, and looks really uncomfortable. 

“Yeah, no. I’m going to drink on that one.” And Sam does one of the shots. 

“Are you serious? I just told you one of the most excruciating moments of my life, and you can’t tell me who you liked as a kid?” Bucky is surprised at first but then he abruptly remembers that there is no reason for Sam to want to share anything at all with Bucky. He’s doing this for Steve, remember, Bucky tells himself. He doesn’t want to answer any of your stupid, personal questions. That might let you get to know him. He doesn’t want you to get to know him, and he certainly doesn’t want to get to know you more than he has to in order to fix your stupid problems. Bucky had almost forgotten about that with all the laughing they had been doing. 

“I’ll let you ask another one, since that was your first question and all.” Sam says graciously. He’s so kind. Why is he so kind? He must know about Bucky’s stupid crush, and he gently told Bucky to fuck off with his personal questions and even took the shot, even though it was Bucky’s mistake to ask that stupid question to begin with and now he’s letting Bucky fix it and ask another question. 

Keep it light, Barnes. “What’s something you’ve never told anyone?” Shit. That wasn’t light at all, was it? Bucky feels wretched. Why does he keep fucking this up? 

Not for the first time Bucky thinks it would be easier if he just ran away tonight. He’s met this guy. The best guy. The sweetest, most wonderful guy, and all he does is fuck up and make the guy hate him. The only reason Sam doesn’t ignore him completely is because he is too kind. He’s been holding himself back out of his pity but if Bucky keeps pushing and being stupid, Sam will get angry again, justifiably, and say something harsh. Bucky isn’t going to handle that well. It’s too late to take the question back though, so he just holds his breath and waits for Sam to say something.

Sam looks thoughtful. “Wow. The problem is that I talk so much that there isn’t a lot I haven’t told someone. Oh, I know!” Sam suddenly looks suspicious. “What happens in truth or dare stays in truth or dare, right? You aren’t going to be blabbing this to everyone, and by everyone I mean Steve, are you?”

Bucky is really in too much shock at the fact that Sam is actually going to answer his question to do anything more than just shake his head vigorously. 

“When I was a kid, we didn’t have a whole lot of money. I did have a portable cd player that I’d spent months’ worth of allowance for though. So there was this really mean girl at the school with us who was just a bully. She didn’t beat people up but she was still a bully. Her mom was super loaded, and she always had the best stuff, and she bragged about it too. She was always making fun of me and some of my best friends. There was this album that was kind of new that I really wanted, but couldn’t afford, cause you know, months’ worth of allowance on a cd player. Obviously though, this chick had the album. So I’m late to class one day, and I pass by her locker. And I think, maybe I should just try the combination. I watched a lot of James Bond as a kid, sue me. I try her birthday first, but that doesn’t work, so I was kinda like, whatever, I tried. But then as I was walking away I thought, it’s Justin’s birthday, it’s gotta be Justin’s birthday. So I put in Justin Timberlake’s birthday, and it works. And I mostly intended to just leave a rude note, or ransack her stuff. But there it is. The NSYNC album. I didn’t think at all I just grabbed it, put it in my backpack and went home. When my mom asked me where I got it I told her that I had found it in a dumpster. Which she apparently believed, go figure. God, that was a great day. One of my proudest moments. I’d almost forgotten about it.”

Besides the fact that Bucky has absolutely no idea who Justin Timberlake or NSYNC are, it does sound like a good story. Bucky doesn’t like the idea of this awful girl bullying Sam, who is possibly the sweetest, most patient, and most wonderful person who has ever existed. He’s glad Sam got her back. “Why can’t I tell Steve that story? I mean, I doubt he cares about you stealing something so small. He’s never liked bullies either.”

Sam snorts, “Yeah, but if he ever finds out I listened to NSYNC he’ll never let me hear the end of it.”

Privately, Bucky thinks that Steve doesn’t give two shits about who Sam listens to, and he thinks Sam knows it, but whatever. Bucky likes the idea of sharing a secret like this with Sam. 

“Okay. My go. Truth or dare?”

“Truth. I’m always going to go with a truth.”

“Alright then. I was going to ask about your most awkward date, but it sounds like you’ve already done that so I’ll have to go to the next question. What’s your favorite color?”

What in the hell is Sam playing at? Why would he ask that question? It sounds like Sam is trying to get to know Bucky but what incentive does he have to do that? How does knowing Bucky’s favorite color help Sam make Bucky more human again so that Sam can stop dealing with Bucky and his awful past and go back to his normal life again? And what is his favorite color anyway? Color is color. Steve was always the one who could wax eloquent about colors and shades and variants. Bucky mostly just tuned Steve out when he started talking about that stuff. He’s just going to say blue. Blue is easy, and then he can ask another question, and they can move this whole process along. 

“Blue. My turn. Truth or dare?”

“Hold up. That was not a serious answer. You aren’t respecting the sanctity of truth or dare. What’s your favorite color, serious answer time.”

Why is Sam like this? Bucky groans and closes his eyes, laying back against the couch cushions. “I don’t know. I really don’t care about color. Why do you care so much?”

“Because if you won’t give me a straight answer about your favorite color, how do I know you weren’t lying to me about Mary and Beth?”

Bucky opens his eyes and looks at Sam again. God, he’s beautiful. So pretty and kind. And he must have a reason for wanting to know his favorite color. So Bucky thinks about it. “I used to like red best. Red like scarlet and roses. But then…I mean it’s also the color of blood and I can barely stand to look at it anymore. I like. I do like blue. Blue is pretty, all shades of it, but especially like the sky. I don’t like black. It makes me think of the night. I did almost all of my missions at night, and I don’t really like it anymore. Blue means light. Yellow is the sun, but it’s too….bright, happy. It hurts to look at yellow.”

This is really hard, what other colors are there? Blue is nice, maybe that really is his favorite. But then Bucky thinks about the dark green forests of Wakanda, right outside where they are staying right now. How calm they feel. Like nothing outside of them matter. The way the sunlight filters through the leaves on the trees and the sounds of the jungle animals. The way they make his head feel so calm and quiet. “Green. I . . . my favorite color is green. Like the jungle.”

“There we go, green. The jungle here is a really nice shade of green. It’s calming. Now it’s your turn. I’m gonna go with truth too.”

Now Bucky is kind of curious about what Sam’s favorite color is. That’s probably not too serious of a question to ask. “What’s your favorite color?” 

Sam looks uncomfortable again. Damn it. But if he can’t even ask about favorite colors then there isn’t going to be anything that he can ask about without upsetting Sam. Bucky wonders if he should just tell Sam that he doesn’t have to answer any more questions. Bucky will just answer whatever insane question Sam asks next until he runs out and then they can both go about their day. But Sam starts talking before he can get that out. 

“My favorite color is blue. I, um, used to be more into dark blue, but lately, I’ve liked light blue better. Probably because of all the dark green around here. I like that, but it makes me want lighter colors. So, um pale blue. Like, blue gray almost.” 

Bucky studies Sam’s face. He’s not really meeting Bucky’s eyes. Bucky thinks Sam might be lying, or at least hiding something. But even though Sam called him on it, Bucky decides to let Sam get away with his lie. It’s much less awkward than asking for the truth. Sam finally looks at him again. “Truth, right?”

Bucky breaks eye contact. Looks at the floor again. Nods. Braces himself for the next question. Honestly though, at this point, he’s almost stopped expecting awful questions that give him terrible flash backs and make him hate himself. 

“What’s your favorite food?” 

Bucky’s emotions haven’t exactly been the most under control since he got away from Hydra, but still, to Bucky’s great shock, this question enrages him. He stands up and walks away from Sam so that he won’t try to hurt him. He looks out the window and tries to take deep calming breaths. It’s just that this whole charade is ridiculous. He knows why they are playing this “game” Sam knows too, and for some reason it’s making him furious that Sam won’t stop dancing around whatever it is that he really wants to know. “What are you playing at?” Bucky demands, “What is it you really want to know and why don’t you just ask that?”

“Woah, woah, woah. I was just asking an honest question. You know if you don’t want to answer a question you can just do the shot. That’s kinda the point of truth, dare, or drink. There isn’t a specific question I wanted answered. What’s with the freak out, dude?”

Bucky whirls back around to Sam. “That’s bullshit, and we both know it. These little therapy sessions always have a point, and you wouldn’t have asked me into your room unless you had something that you wanted to get from me. I’m tired of you pretending that you really want to do something else, and then really just trying to figure out what’s going on in my head. I’ve spent the last seventy years being manipulated by Hydra, I would rather you just ask me what you want to know because I can’t tell where you are going with this or with any of it and I hate it. I hate feeling lost and confused by what’s going on so much.” Bucky’s chest is heaving by the time he’s finished his speech, and Sam is watching him with wide eyes. 

“Okay, okay. There’s a lot to unpack in what you just said. I get it, I have been manipulating you, you’re right. I thought my manipulation was obvious enough that you knew what was happening, but I might have been wrong about that. Just sit down. Let’s talk. I’ll tell you why I’ve done everything I’ve done. Okay man? Can we do that?” Sam looks pretty earnest. Open. His arms are raised in surrender, and he’s still sitting. Bucky could kill him before Sam could open his mouth. Bucky hates that he knows this. 

He suddenly feels so, so guilty. Sam is so sweet. Sam is still being so sweet, and Sam’s trying to help him as best he can and all Bucky can do is yell at him. Bucky looks at the floor as he walks back over and sits down next to Sam. “Sorry,” he mutters, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I know you’re only trying to help fix my fucked up mind.”

Sam is insistently shaking his head before Bucky has even finished his statement. “No. No, I should have been up-front about this from the beginning. I should never have left you to guess about what I was trying to do. So. When the scientist came and told me and Steve that they could get the codes out of your head, I told Steve that I would do whatever I could to help you out. I . . . well, I’ve never worked with someone who has had as many bad things happen to them as you, but I’ve worked with people who have trauma. I knew that I might be able to help you. Steve. . . I know he means well. I do, but I don’t think he understands what trauma is, not really. I mean, yes, he’s had awful things happen to him, but he was trying to control you in a way that I don’t think was actually very helpful.” Sam gives a rueful chuckle, “But then I wasn’t anymore upfront about it than he was, was I?”

Bucky is confused. Sam offered to help? Steve didn’t ask him too? Why? Why would Sam want to help him? Sam keeps talking.

“Anyway. You wanted to know what I wanted to accomplish in each of the activities, but honestly, the motivations are really all the same. I just wanted you to feel more comfortable in your own skin. The cruelty of what they did to you was that they took away your identity and gave you a new one. I just wanted you to try to figure out what your identity now is.” Sam is looking straight in Bucky’s eyes now. “I want you to figure out who you are. I think Steve thinks he’s going to get some version of the guy he grew up with back, and I know you think that you are still the Winter Soldier, but I think you are some mix of the two. You are never gonna be that guy who walked off to fight in World War II, but you aren’t without identity. You just have to figure out who you are at this exact moment, and you will start to feel human again. I promise. So I took you hiking, so you could see life outside this compound. And I cooked with you, so you could make something with your hands. And I asked you your favorite color, so you could figure out what it was. I should have told you, but honestly,” Sam shrugs and looks mildly embarrassed, “I really thought you knew.”

Bucky shakes his head, “I didn’t know.” He looks at the wall on the far side of the room and bites his lip. This is a lot of new information to take in. Sam shifts on the couch and clears his throat. “Look, if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, I get that, but you should know, I did all this because I want to help you. I can try to stop helping you, I guess. But, I mean, I am a trauma counselor, and I’m not sure how easily I can turn that part of my brain off. The guy I was trying to befriend has been through a lot of trauma, and the counselor in me just had to do something about it.”

Bucky shakes his head. “You don’t have to stop. I thought you were only doing this for Steve. If . . . I mean if, this is, is something you want to do, I, um, I wouldn’t mind the help. You don’t have to dance around it though. We can do full therapy, if you want.”

Sam looks dubious. “Are you sure?”

And Bucky isn’t sure. He’s not sure at all. But he’s been avoiding talking to the people that T’Challa and Steve keep throwing at him, and Sam is, Sam is better than those people. He seems less likely to hurt Bucky than the others. More likely, especially now that Bucky has heard Sam’s long speech, to actually care about Bucky’s problems. But he should be honest. He knows, based on what those few people he did talk to told him, that honesty is best when talking to a counselor. 

“Not really,” Bucky decides to respond, “But I trust you more than any of the others that they wanted me to talk to. And, if you think it will make me better. . “

Sam watches him for a second and Bucky squirms under his gaze. “It won’t make it better at first, probably. It might drag up painful memories, and things you don’t want to think about. But usually in the long run you’ll feel better about those things.”

Bucky nods. “Let’s get started then, right?” This is the most terrifying thing Bucky thinks he’s ever done. 

Sam hesitates. He’s still staring directly at Bucky. “If you ever want to stop, say the word. Got it? It’s important that you’ve got it.” Bucky nods. He gets it. Tell Sam if he needs to stop. “Okay. I’m going to ask you some basic questions about what happened to you when they took you, and when they brainwashed you. Remember, I’m here as a friend. I want to help you learn to process these things so they can’t hurt you anymore. If you can’t talk about something, we move on. This is to help you. You are never to treat any question I ask you as a punishment for something you think you did wrong or you feel guilty for. If I find out you’re doing that, I’m going to treat it as I would if you were intentionally hurting yourself. Am I clear?” Sam looks at Bucky expectantly. His expression borders on stern. 

Sam pretty obviously thinks this is important. Bucky thinks about it carefully. He wants to do this right. As much as he kind of wishes this was someone else, because Sam will not want to be anything more than a therapist to Bucky after he knows the things he has done, he really truly trusts Sam. And Sam seems to want to do this. Bucky thinks he can. For Sam. He can tell Sam all of the horrible details, everything. Because Sam wants to know. But Sam also wants him to follow these rules. He can do that. He nods again and meets Sam’s eyes so Sam knows he’s serious. 

Sam studies Bucky for a few seconds and then relaxes back into the couch. “Okay. So let’s skip over when they took you, for today. What was the brainwashing like? Just describe parts of it. Whatever is easiest for you to talk about. How did they convince you to do what they told you?

“I . . . it’s. They, um.” Bucky shakes his head to try to think about what had happened then without panicking too much. He takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. This is for Sam. “They did lots of things. I knew no one was coming for me. There was no way anyone should have survived that and honestly I’m still not sure how I did. I was out of it for the first bit so I don’t really remember much. The first thing I really remember after I fell was waking up in a room with a metal arm.” Thinking about this is awful. Bucky’s never had to actually think about this before. He hadn’t cared while he was the soldier and he’s been actively suppressing thinking about it since he’s been on the run. 

“They never tried to make me think that they were my friends. They just. They just told me that I had no choice but to do what they said. And they tortured me if I didn’t.” Bucky isn’t sure he can talk about this anymore. His heartbeat is going crazy and his breathing is getting out of control. 

Sam speaks then, and it breaks the cycle of panic Bucky had started and allows him to focus on Sam and not on the past. “What did they punish you for not doing? Was that where they started making you kill?” 

Bucky wishes he could say yes. Wishes they had broken him with impossible choices. Things like killing someone with cancer versus killing a healthy child. Wishes they had eroded his morality first and then made him their slave. But the truth was quite the opposite. And Sam wanted the truth. 

“No. By the time they had me kill someone I was already so well trained that it wasn’t even an issue. I didn’t even have to think about it at that point I just did what they said. They trained me by making me do little things. I had to stand in my cell for nine hours and if I sat down they would torture me. I had to swim in a pool of ice water for several hours, and if I refused they would torture me. They would come in after several days of things like that. Things that were almost impossible to do and then they tell me that I had to do something simple like clean the floors. And it would be a relief because I knew I could do it without being tortured. They had trained me well enough that I knew I would be tortured if I failed. I did everything they asked.”

Bucky waits helplessly for Sam to say something. These are things he never wanted Sam to know. He didn’t want Steve to know them for Christ’s sake. Sam is the very last person on the planet Bucky wanted to know these things. To know how easily he broke. Sam is so good. He’s so, so good. Better than anyone. Better than Steve. Sam would never have broken. Sam would have found a way to escape. 

Bucky had hoped, desperately, that Sam would never find out. That Bucky might be able to keep him. Because he wanted to so much. But that was never meant to be and honestly, telling Sam all the things that will ruin any chance of friendship, let alone the strange, confusing other feelings Bucky has started to have, is probably wise. Sam needs to cut this off before Bucky begins to depend on him. If Sam found out then, after Bucky was his friend, then the losing of that friendship would be so much worse. 

“I’m going to tell you something that you already know intellectually, but I don’t know if you believe yet. None of what they did to you or made you do was your fault. What they did to you was awful, and anyone would have done what you did in your place. When someone purposefully breaks down all the barriers in your mind as extensively as they did and molds you into a different person like they did, there is no way to fight that yourself. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Steve has already told him this. Hell, he knew this before Steve told him. He’s thought extensively about the blame in this situation. But. Like he told Steve in the QuinJet, whether he was actually the person to blame for the deaths of so many innocent people or not, he was the one who physically pulled the trigger, or knocked the car off the road or squeezed the life out of an innocent woman who had a kid who needed her badly. It doesn’t matter if someone had forced him to do it, he fucking did it and he has to live with the consequences. God knows Bucky isn’t going to share this outlook on the situation with Sam though. 

Unfortunately, it appears he does not have to share it because Sam has already realized that he doesn’t agree. “What’s up? Do you see it a different way?” 

Well. Bucky did start this thing off promising himself he would be honest with Sam. “I don’t necessarily disagree, I just. I mean, I still have to deal with the consequences, right? So I’d rather stop talking about the fact that none of this is my fault and actually try to move on. I just want to stop thinking about it and forget it ever happened. Because I know it wasn’t my fault. But telling me that over and over doesn’t change the fact that there are serious repercussions for what happened. You know what I mean?” 

Sam is smiling. Why in the hell would Sam be smiling? 

“I know exactly what you mean. That’s actually a really healthy place to be in. Accepting that the things you did were not your fault is a huge step and I’m glad you’ve made it there.”

Sam’s praise is warming Bucky’s whole body. He’s glad that Sam thinks he’s made progress. Bucky hopes that he won’t have to talk about the brainwashing anymore. Since Sam seems to think that he’s moved past some part of that. Bucky senses a however coming though. 

“However.” Fuck. “It sounds like you just want to move past what happened, and in my professional opinion, that isn’t likely to happen with you just keeping it all bottled up and not thinking about what they did to you. If you bring out what happened to you, in a safe setting, you might be able to organize it more neatly in your head and settle a little bit more. What do you think?”

Fuck. There’s no way to handle this well. If he says, “No, I don’t want to talk about it,” Sam will be disappointed. But if he says, “Sure, what do you want to know,” Sam will know. Either option is awful. 

Sam seems to sense his turmoil. “Hey man, I know we kinda got off to a rough start, so if you’d rather not talk to me about it then that’s fine. You don’t have to talk to anyone about it, but I really think you should. Maybe Steve would be a good person for you to talk to?”

This turn of events would be perfect, except. Except Sam sounds so . . . so . . .disappointed, just like Bucky had thought he would, but in himself, not in Bucky. How is he supposed to handle this? And he doesn’t want to talk to Steve anyway. Steve will only think the whole thing is his own fault. Like a damn idiot. Plus he’s too busy worrying about Stark. Which is just. Bucky had known the stupid punk couldn’t find a girl because he wanted something else and was just too scared to admit it. But Stark? The guy had actually tried to put them in jail. Whatever. Bucky’s in love with someone who hates him, so he clearly shouldn’t judge. 

“I’d rather not talk to Steve. He has enough on his mind.” Judging by Sam’s smirk Bucky guesses he’s also noticed the frankly obscene amount of time Steve has spent worrying about when Stark is going to call. If Stark is going to call. What Stark thinks about the phone. If Stark hasn’t called because he doesn’t want to talk to Steve or if it’s just because nothing has happened. If Stark hates Steve now. If . . . If . . . If and on and on. 

“Well, then someone else. Maybe Natasha? I know everyone keeps saying that we don’t know where she is, but I don’t believe for one goddamn second that Steve doesn’t know how to get in touch with her. She’s been through some shit too. She can probably relate to what you’ve been through better than almost anyone. Hell, she might be the only person who can relate to what you’ve been through.”

Bucky already knows this as well. He remembers Natalia. Of course, he remembers Natalia. No one could ever forget her. She was the best part of his entire time spent with Hydra, and if anything gives him hope that one day he’ll be okay again it’s Natalia. But he doesn’t want to drag up old memories for her either. And honestly, if Bucky remembers her at all, he knows that every conversation with her is like a fucking game of chess. It isn’t that he doesn’t trust Natalia. It’s just that . . . he isn’t sure he would feel as safe as he feels with Sam. He’d be watching what he was saying constantly, to make sure he didn’t give something away. Something she could use to hurt him later. If she ever needed to. Sam would never do that. Not even to save himself. Bucky’s weak spots will be safe with Sam.

“No, that’s okay, I’d rather talk to you. I just don’t want you to think I’m . . .” Sam is watching him patiently. “I just don’t want you to look at me differently. That’s all.” Actually, Bucky does want Sam to look at him differently. He wants Sam to see him as so much more than he is. But he isn’t going to say that.

Sam’s whole face softens. “I know, man. I know. But I won’t. I know what you’ve done already. I’m prepared to deal with all the bad parts. I want to deal with the bad parts. They make all the good parts seem so much more real.”

Good parts? What the hell kind of good parts are there? Bucky isn’t going to ask. He doesn’t want to push Sam into making something up. That would just be awkward for both of them.

“What good parts?” Damn it.

Sam frowns. “What do you mean, what good parts?”

“I mean. There are no good parts. I haven’t had good parts since 1945. I . . . I guess I’m okay to look at. Not like Steve, or you. But other than that . . .” 

“That’s what you see, is it?” Sam says frowning even more. 

“What do you see?” He feels like he used to when he was about to go into a mission. Every detail is standing out in his head. The door behind him where he can escape if he has to. Every minute change in Sam’s face and body that might tell him where Sam plans on striking first. He’s counting every one of his own heartbeats and breaths. Time itself seems to slow down. 

Sam seems to be considering his answer very carefully. 

“Bucky, do you really think anyone else could have gone through what you’ve gone through and been strong enough to break away? I couldn’t have. Steve couldn’t have. Jeez, Bucky. You keep getting knocked down, but you’re still here, coming back for more. I have no idea how you do it, man. That’s why I want to help you, is cause every day is a fight for you and I just want to help give you the weapons that make that fight even a little bit easier for you. Having good parts isn’t the best thing in the world, it’s what you do with them. And, and all I can see is you trying to turn the bad parts into good parts. Which is way more important than having good parts. I think you might be the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I know all of the avengers. I’m in awe of you. Every day. Does that answer your question?”

Bucky would be sure that this was a dream if any of his dreams were ever this good. He still isn’t sure if he believes that Sam could possibly think this highly of him, or that he has good parts. But maybe, just maybe, if Sam believes it, and he spends enough time with Sam, Bucky will see it too. And, well, Bucky will take any opportunity he can to spend time with Sam.


End file.
